"You know what you need? A Hell file."
"A what?"
I was talking to a dear friend on the phone as I walked out of my lawyers office. I'd just told her that I was getting a divorce.
"A Hell file. My aunt was 'in the middle of a divorce' for most of my adolescent years and she told me that the only way she survived it was to keep a file folder marked 'HELL' where she would write down anything she needed to vent. You should try it," she said.
The idea felt a little silly. Could it REALLY do much good? It was never something I'd do in a journal. We want our posterity to think we're perfect, right? Plus, I'd always been one to think that venting was pointless. It doesn't often move people to action, and only causes the hurt feelings to resurface. BUT, I figured, why not? It probably wouldn't last too long anyway...
Sure enough, Hell won me over! I could get as mean and nasty as I pleased and nobody ever knew about it. I didn't have to manage all the frustrations in my head because I knew
they were safely stored. I could even could get rid of them any time I wanted and have none the wiser. It brought more satisfaction than I had imagined it would, signing each entry with a "GTH" (go to hell) and filing it away. The only thing that would make the whole experience more satisfying would be if I could slam the thing shut!
Shortly after starting the experiment, with 3 sticky notes and a piece of scratch paper contained inside, I started to feel the guilt. While it cleared my head beautifully, it was SO pessimistic. It was hateful and self centered and rude! But it felt so good! There had to be a solution for the more recent feelings.
A few days later I was picking up my son from a friend's house and I commented on her roses. They looked like they inspired sunsets - the kind that are orange/yellow and turn a shade of reddish pink toward the tips. She disappeared back into the house while I was fastening the kiddo's seat belt and when I turned back to her, she was holding a mason jar, blooming with freshly cut roses.
"There! Your little jar of 'happy'!"
I drove home, balancing my gift so as not to spill and loving how the flowers made my spirits
soar. I reminded myself that I needed to focus on, remember, and look for these moments more often. suddenly, the solution to my Hell file guilt was born. I needed a Heaven file. It was the perfect balance.
My 2nd file joined the first and they have been a perfect team ever since. My "jar of happy"
entry was the first in the file, and it has continued to grow since. This blog is the extension of Heaven. Those flowers from Janice are forever in my memory and every few days I find myself being reminded to do whatever it takes to "fill my jar of happy" with anything I can - even seemingly silly things that brighten my days and help me realize that the Hell file isn't the sum of my life.
Oh, and no, Hell won't be published.
